When I was around 20, that is, more than 40 years ago, I became interested in Zen; not as a religion, or a discipline, but in its concept of enlightenment. I believed there was such a state, so called, that once reached, would make everything clear. I worked hard to achieve this state, not using the traditional methods (though I would dabble in them) but my own way. I had a clear (or so I thought at the time) idea of what I was doing and where I was heading. And, indeed, it turned out that I finally became enlightened. But, when I did, nothing had changed. Well, something had changed, but my life was still where I had left it and my new perspective was not of much help in dealing with it. Or, more accurately, the help it provided was in putting up with it, but being alive still required a great deal of toleration.

I was disappointed. Is this what you get when you become enlightened? Nothing? Maybe I'm not really enlightened after all. Well, I was enlightened, all right. I was just expecting something different. Some simple solution to all my problems. Instead, all I got was the same problems with the perspective to tolerate them. And the fear that there might still be some I can't tolerate. Yet.

Being enlightened was an important change. I wouldn't give it up. Well, actually I would, and do so all the time. But I always return to it. Eventually.