I remember when I first became enlightened. I was struggling inside my head, and then I just stopped and everything became clear. A moment later I was feeling proud of myself for my accomplishment. What was it again? I had lost it. Why didn't I write it down!

In praise of death

I was just reading about the situation in Iran--in particular, about the corruption and jockying for power and its history. It's easy to dismiss them as religious wackos until you remember our own political situation in the US of A. I have to wonder, is our situation all that better or just more familiar which allows it to hide its bizarreness in plain sight. Is the opposite of "nutso" not "sensible" but merely what we're used to?

When we look for meaning, are we looking for something we expect to recognize? And if not, how will we know when we've found it?

When I see the omnipotent power heirarchies out there and wonder how they could ever be toppled, I understand why death was built into the system. It adds an expiration date to that which would otherwise refuse to ever leave.

When I was around 20, that is, more than 40 years ago, I became interested in Zen; not as a religion, or a discipline, but in its concept of enlightenment. I believed there was such a state, so called, that once reached, would make everything clear. I worked hard to achieve this state, not using the traditional methods (though I would dabble in them) but my own way. I had a clear (or so I thought at the time) idea of what I was doing and where I was heading. And, indeed, it turned out that I finally became enlightened. But, when I did, nothing had changed. Well, something had changed, but my life was still where I had left it and my new perspective was not of much help in dealing with it. Or, more accurately, the help it provided was in putting up with it, but being alive still required a great deal of toleration.

I was disappointed. Is this what you get when you become enlightened? Nothing? Maybe I'm not really enlightened after all. Well, I was enlightened, all right. I was just expecting something different. Some simple solution to all my problems. Instead, all I got was the same problems with the perspective to tolerate them. And the fear that there might still be some I can't tolerate. Yet.

Being enlightened was an important change. I wouldn't give it up. Well, actually I would, and do so all the time. But I always return to it. Eventually.

Why?

Sometimes I have all the meaning I need. Even some to spare. But other times, I seem to have lost it. That wasn't the way it was supposed to work. Once you became enlightened, I thought you got to stay that way. Like learning to ride a bike. But, evidently, it's different with meaning, and when you lack it, all you can do is remember that you had it before and have faith (there's that word!) it will return again. So far, it always has.

Meanwhile, I can post in here.